The Reality of Dreaming Pro
As we see Rafael Nadal winning his 14th Roland Garros, adding to an astonishing 22 Grand Slams championships, the rest of the pro tour is dreaming very very differently.
I played future events in Colombia, Mexico and Tunisia. Open level events in Colombia, France and Canada. Junior Events in Colombia, Ecuador, Bolivia, and Peru. I won as the underdog and lost as the favourite. I spent thousands upon thousands of hours and dollars. I hit millions of balls and have run a billion steps. And after years and years of sweat, blood and tears, all I have left is sadness.
Most professionals dream of breaking even to make ends meet. The amount of time, energy and effort spent in perfecting your craft is highly valued and appreciated in tradition industries, but not in sports. Sports and tennis competitions will only make waves for a few dozen players each year. I spent 15 years developing and perfecting my craft. All I can show for it is 1 point in WTA doubles. One. Fucking. Point. The self-realization of not being good enough to even make a living off this sport that I love so much, that I’ve worked so hard for, that I’ve sacrificed so much for… it’s brutal.
I’ve been struggling with my mental health for the past 10 months. The weight of knowing that my greatest talent in life is not good enough for the industry is overwhelming. And yes, there is so much more to tennis than professional tournaments, but for this young Latin woman, playing is what I know. Competing is what I love.
But I’ll take sadness of failure over ambiguity of “what if” any day of the week. I failed. As hard as it is to make peace with that feeling, I tried and I failed. As I work through my sadness to build myself back up, I remember all that it took to try, just to try. I have zero regrets. All of the sacrifices I made, all the sacrifices my family made, my coaches, my friends, my colleagues. It wasn’t just about me, it took a village for me just to try. And I thank you all for that.
Looking to the future, I want to find ways to make the sport better, because with all of its flaws and heartbreaking moments, tennis is the most beautiful sport there is.
